Pick Your Poison Read online

  Adjusting the collar of my bathrobe over my throat, I tittered nervously, smiling a big, fake smile at Divit when he scrubbed a hand down his face to peek at me through the corner of his eye. “I could simply enthrall them and be done with it,” he whispered through the corner of his mouth.

  “No.” Clamping my lips shut tight, realizing too late I’d spoken too loud, I grunted.

  “You know, you look awfully cute with that get-up on. Though you don’t really need it. You know that, right?” Something flashed in his eyes as he glanced from me to my parents. “A bit over the top, but cute.”

  Warmth pooled in all the right places, this just wasn’t the right time. “Oh, my god. Would you shut up! They might hear you!” My voice was low, a harsh, hissing whisper, but there was always a chance.

  “What was that, dear?” Mom glanced up sharply from the coffee maker, two heavy mugs in her hand. She blinked as her gaze scanned my face, eyeing me uncertainly as I fiddled with the back of my hair.

  Divit chuckled quietly, hiding it behind his hand as he smoothed his fingers across his quirked lips.

  “Hmm? What? I didn’t say anything.” Huddling down in my seat, I jerked when my mate’s foot slid next to mine.

  I moved my foot away and he moved his back, ignoring my slaps to his knee as I reached beneath the table to grip his thigh, fervently trying to stop him.

  “Would you quit it.” Jaw clenching, I hissed under my breath. “This is not the time for footsie, or flirting, or dirty, sexy talk, you affectionate freak of nature. What happened to the surly asshole I tortured in the bathroom, huh? Where did he go?”

  Brown eyes flashing, his lips quirked up and he murmured low, “Sexy talk?”

  “You know what I mean!”

  “Mmm. Well... I could say I got laid, but then you’ll just- Oomph.” He grunted, muttering, “That.”

  “Butthole.”

  “What, honey?” Mom frowned at me, her gaze darting between us as Divit grunted.

  Settling himself better in his seat, he tossed me a dirty look, shifting his legs to adjust his poor testicles.

  “Wouldn’t you, uh, be more comfortable if you... changed, maybe, huh? Took that, uhm, off.” Gesturing over at me weakly, she smiled a strained, patient smile as I shook my head, ignoring the sounds the movement made.

  “I didn’t say anything. Divit made a noise.” Blinking, I smiled innocently, praying she bought it. “So distracting, right? Sorry, what were you saying?” I prompted.

  The conversation picked up again and that foot unerringly found its way towards mine. Curling my feet beneath my seat, I smiled triumphantly, trying to tune back in.

  And then there went that stupid foot again, making it hard to think—and he well knew it.

  Calm as you please, Divit didn’t show any outward sign we were foot wrestling under the table, my nails digging into his thigh, cupping his hand over his mouth shortly to mutter, “Come on. Only this once. Let me do it. I’ll give you whatever you want.”

  “Oh, my god. I said no. No one is enthralling anyone. Drop it.”

  “You live around here?” Dad asked, ever the interrogator, none the wiser to our whispered conversation.

  “Yes, on the outskirts near Devil’s Git.” Divit’s foot made to tangle with mine again but I stomped on his toes.

  Still, no outward sign of anything other than a sharp look at me and a tightening around his eyes.

  “Devil’s Git, you say? How fitting,” I whispered sweetly, ignoring the look I got for that one.

  Dad whistled low. “Nice area. You like it there?”

  Divit’s gaze turned back to Dad’s. “Yes, sir, I do.”

  “Plan on staying, then? Work out that way?” Dad ran his tongue along his teeth, his gaze narrowing as he watched Divit’s reaction closely.

  “Frederick, honey, what’s with the inquisition?” Mom chuckled as she set a steaming mug in front of Dad, shuffling around the table and snagging the seat next to me. “He’s her boyfriend, her first in a while, for heaven’s sake, let her enjoy it! Let them!”

  “Mom!”

  “What?” Mom glanced around, shrugging. “What did I say?”

  “I can ask the boy questions, Sheryl Anne,” Dad grumbled, his underwear thoroughly bunched. “I need to know his intentions towards Genie. She’s my damned little girl too, and I’ll ask what I like.”

  “Dad!”

  Dad picked up his mug and sipped his coffee slowly, scowling at the tabletop as Mom made little huffing noises under her breath.

  Divit, watching the exchange with mild surprise, glanced at me.

  “No,” I gritted out, “you cannot enthrall them, so stop asking.”

  “I didn’t say anything, sweetheart.” He pointed up towards my face. “What about that? Can I peel off that? It can’t be comfortable, and it really isn’t-”

  Gritting my teeth, I wasn’t listening. “You were thinking it.”

  “I can ask questions too, then!” Mom huffed indignantly, turning to face us.

  “This is going to get bad before it gets worse,” I muttered on a sigh, burying my face in my hands as best as I could.

  “Vampires take mates, right?” Dad waved a hand between us. “Is that what you two have going on? How you can, uh... you know... uh... Ahem. How you two could... erm.” If my father’s face turns any redder, he may just be having a heart attack. “That is to say...” Most awkward moment of my life, here we are. “Is this a-a-a mate thing?”

  “Mates? Like... like marriage? Oh, Genie, did you elope and not tell us?” Mom’s hand pressed to her chest and she gasped, her dark blue eyes wide in her round, heart shaped face.

  “Well, see, mate is such a strong word,” I began soothingly, holding my hands out placatingly as tears filled my mother’s eyes. “We just... well, it sorta... so here’s how all that works, right-”

  “Yes,” Divit interrupted, his voice booming over everyone else’s as I went to speak over him and he slowly pressed his foot atop mine, pressing down on it until I yelped and hissed. “We’re mated. I took Genie for my bride.”

  “My only daughter married without me.” Mom sniffled, her lower lip trembling as her gaze darted between us, then Dad’s.

  “Jesus, and you didn’t even have the decency to ask her old man for her hand, son? We’re old fashioned around here, I know, and while I don’t expect all of you kids to keep to traditions nowadays, something, a heads up, an invite maybe, would have been nice.” Dad’s lips tugged down and he rubbed at his forehead, the fingers of his free hand making small circles on the tabletop as he shook his head.

  The hurt in my parents’ voices ate at me. Shaking my head violently, my short hair whipping my cheeks, I threw my hands up. “It’s not like that! And there was nothing to invite you to!” I tried to plead my case, but no one was listening.

  “I feel like we missed the most important day of her life.” Mom bit her lip fretfully, swallowing hard.

  “You made all the other ones, and it wasn’t really a day, more like a-” Shit on a stick. How do I explain this?

  “A long night,” Divit finished, barely holding in a laugh at the look of horror on my face.

  Gritting my teeth as I stared him down, I grunted as I kicked my foot free, pinching his thigh and hissing in his face as he leaned in to smile into mine widely.

  “Can I enthrall them now, sweetheart?”

  “Yes! And then we’re coming back up here and we’re going to do this right!”

  “Enthrall?” Dad goggled as Mom’s jaw dropped. “Oh, Genie, you wouldn-” Before she could get the word out, Divit was already on it.

  Five minutes and a lot of fast talking later, and the deed was done. Glassy-eyed and slack-jawed, my parents sat there, staring off into space.

  “You instigated that madness on purpose, you jerk!” Spitting the words, I rounded on the horrid excuse for a man.

  “I may have,” Divit acknowledged, standing to offer me his hand.

  “Yeah? Well, now we
have to fix it!” Ignoring his proffered hand, I stood up, snagging my mate up by my dad’s borrowed shirt, and dragged him from the room.

  “Fix it how?” Scowling, a note of unease creeping into his deep voice, Divit paused as I stomped out the front door.

  “Ever asked an old man for a lady’s hand?” I asked sweetly, jerking when his shirt slipped from my grasp. Forcing a patently false smile on my face, I reached up and pinched his cheek as he gaped down at me, spluttering incredulously as I let him go to storm off.

  “You can’t be serious? Ask? Ask, woman! You’re already mine!” he called from the front porch, leaning over the railing to stare after me.

  Marching back and yanking him down until we were nose to nose, I snarled in his face. “Do I look like I’m kidding, glitter-pants?”

  Releasing him to spin on my heel and flounce down the steps, I stomped down the pavers.

  “Genie... Aw, come on! Can’t we talk about this? And where are you going? At least take off that snorkel mask first! You look ridiculous! As I’ve told you, your parents are perfectly safe! I’m with you, and it’ll be fine!”

  “To the garage!” I shouted, the ties of my robe flapping in the breeze as I stormed across the yard, snorkel mask fogging up as I snorted through my nose. “And it was the best I could do! Dad took the gas mask back!”

  “Gas mask? I’d almost think you were kidding, but this is you...” That got a quick bark of laugher out of him, and then, “Garage? I- Why?” Grumbling behind me, his steps slowed as he trailed after me, his voice fading out as I picked up speed.

  “To find the trunk with all my mom’s, grandmother’s, and great grandmother’s wedding dresses in it, of course! Dust off your fancy duds, corpse groom. You wanna be mated? Fine!” My snorkel mask went flying over my shoulder as I whipped it off to chuck it in his direction, “but I won’t do Mom and Dad like that. I am their only child, and so help me I’m only doing this once. You want to play it out like this, then it looks like we’re gettin’ hitched!”

  “Damnit! Ah-WHAT!”

  Obstacles of course

  Taking a big, deep breath that didn’t do jack to settle my nerves, did nothing really, I opened the door to pop my head out. My fingers curled around the edge as my eyes scanned the room. It was deserted. Good. Maybe if I just-

  “Don’t even think about running.”

  Yelping, I jumped back as the door swung open.

  Divit stood there staring down at me, handsome as always, dressed impeccably in grey dress slacks and a dark blue polo shirt.

  Laughing nervously, I pointed to him, then the door. “It’s bad luck to see me in this contraption.”

  My mate made himself comfortable, settling his lean frame against the door-jamb, his gaze roaming over me freely as he crossed his arms loosely over his chest. “Only if you’re superstitious about trivialities like that.”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, careful of the dress, I muttered, “And you’re not?”

  “No.” Brown eyes traveling the length of my body in this fluffy, white nightmare, my vampire lover reached out to catch my wrist. “I’m not. This is a bit of a show anyway, something you insisted on, if you’ll recall.”

  Biting the inside of my cheek as I peered down at the mounds of puff beneath me, I shook my head. “And you actually listened to me. Shame on you.” Tsk-ing quietly, I slowly looked up, meeting my mate’s amused gaze. “Seriously though, I’ve changed my mind.”

  Damned if none of those stupid, moth infested monstrosities I’d unearthed would fit me but this was a bit overkill, in my opinion, as far as solutions went. I could have rocked my old prom dress as a wedding dress, too. Hmph. It’s not like I’d ever gotten to wear the stupid thing anywhere—thank you very much, Callie.

  “You started this. We’re finishing it.” Divit’s words cut in on my inner grumblings, dragging me back to my misery.

  Blinking, my lips pursed as my nose twitched fractionally, hazel eyes narrowing to toss the male a calculating stare.

  “You delight in torturing me, don’t you?” Harrumphing, I would have sat if I wasn’t afraid I’d damage an overpriced dress I’d been wrangled into trying on, though I had my doubts about this whole thing from the first, and wasn’t even sure I even wanted this... this thing! It’s too... foofy. Is that a word? Poufy meets fluffy, meets no. Foofy.

  Tucking my hand into the crook of his arm, Divit gave my fingers a gentle pat. “You should have let Spira eat him.”

  “Good god, that again?! Divit!”

  Cool expression in place, smiling down at me politely, I could see past the act to that deceptive twinkle shimmering in his dark brown depths. “Yes, darling?”

  “No one is eating anyone! And she could have easily gobbled you up too, might I remind you.”

  “Mm.”

  About to step foot into the main room with a million mirrors surrounding me and a small, circular pedestal to step on, I pulled back, gripping Divit’s arm.

  “Hey, look, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

  Ready to frog march my ass out there, Divit let off an exasperated sigh. “No more stalling. Norma Ge-”

  “No, Div, seriously.”

  Divit let go, a deep scowl furrowing his brow as he tensed, his expression tightening. “What is it?”

  “Okay, so I’ve been trying to find a way to say this, and while I’ve been trying to find a way to say it, I’ve been thinking...”

  “That doesn’t sound good.”

  “Well... It depends on how you feel about it.”

  “Genie. Just spit it out.” Tension rolled off the surly vamp in waves and his voice grew brusque, his posture as stiff and wooden as mine.

  “I’m dead, right?” At his look I rushed on, “Uh, sorta dead, but anyway, I know you have freakish zombie swimmers for whatever reason and wanted to know if I had freakish eggs or something, so... I went to my doctor and got checked—I can’t have babies. My guess is, if I’m right, you were turned when you were alive still? On the brink of death, possibly, but not dead? Stefan necro-mumbo-jumbo-ed you, which did what it did in its own right, having its own effect on you, before you’d actually kicked the bucket, am I right? And maybe that’s why it worked for you, and maybe that’s why your swimmers are sort of, uhm, zombified... Alive but dead or whatever, and slow as molasses—as you said. Which also begs the question, is that why you didn’t zombify? Because you hadn’t kicked it yet? But that’s for another time, and probably Asshole’s purview, not yours.”

  From the look on his face, I concluded I’d hit the nail on the head, or somewhat close. Dying, dead, and almost dead, are entirely different things—something the old vamp must not have taken into consideration when it came to the peculiarities of his origin and all that bologna.

  “More or less, I was traditionally turned, and did the whole die thing first, totally deadsville, so I’m, erm- was, more dead-dead than you, technically speaking, right off the bat. But anyway, we can’t make an army of dysfunctional vampire babies, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was just trying to find a way to, I don’t know...” wincing, I cringed, “build up the guts to let you know.” Head dipping, unable to hold his gaze any longer, I stilled as I waited, not knowing what to expect as I held out for the worst.”

  “And this... bothers you?” Divit said slowly.

  “Honestly?” Peeking up at him, trying to judge his reaction, I shrugged. “No. Does it... Does it bother you?”

  A small laugh escaped my crusty mannered companion and he shook his head, relaxing as he ran a hand through his thick locks. “No. A bit of a relief, actually.”

  Surprise lit my features and I blinked. “You’re taking this surprisingly well. I thought you’d be upset.”

  Divit grunted, grimacing as he gave me a long, assessing stare. “Honestly, love, do I strike you as the fatherly type?”

  I didn’t even need to think about it. “No. Not even a little.”

  “Good. Neither do you. I’ll
admit I’ve never had any inclination to reproduce, and I’ve had years to accept that I never will.”

  “Ah... thanks,” I muttered dryly, cocking a hand on my hip. “I’ll keep that in mind whenever the urge to try out fatherhood rears its fanciful head.”

  Divit rolled his eyes at my dry snark, slinging an arm around my shoulders. “You know exactly what I mean. Don’t pretend otherwise. You don’t exactly scream babies and a white picket fence either, sweetheart.”

  “I’m going to assume you meant that as a compliment,” I muttered, ruining my grumpy tone by smiling a little as his brown eyes lightened.

  “Mm. Don’t worry, if madness ever hits and you catch the fever, I’ll just...” Looking around as his hand waved in the air in a lazy gesture, he bobbed his head, lips pursing in thought, and shrugged. “Buy you a dog or something.”

  “Oh, my god... A child is not at all like a dog! There’s something seriously wrong with you.” Marching off ahead, I grumbled under my breath, “I’m beginning to think this vampire crap is nature’s natural birth control for the ridiculously stupid.”

  Divit offered me a short shrug and a mild look, but I could see the way he fought the quirk of his lips at the corners. “And what does that make you, love?”

  Puffing the sleeves up on my enchanted-princess-puked-poofs-and-fluff-all-over-me themed wedding dress—as I like to call it—I snubbed my nose at my blood sucking other half. “Too stupid to live. I’m mated to you, aren’t I?”

  The sales woman jumped as I marched past her and Divit’s booming laugh echoed off by the dressing rooms behind me.

  Four hours later

  “Who ever heard of a twenty four hour bridal shop? It’s madness.”

  “They cater to Other. Quite brilliant, really.” Divit glanced around to make sure we wouldn’t be overheard and said lower, “You seem more relaxed. Was that what’s been bothering you? You’re driving me mad, I hope you know. This mate thing isn’t easy for me, either.”